SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Well, that didn’t work.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.