Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Well, that didn’t work.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.