By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
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Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?