My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.