[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.