Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The news
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
at ease…shoulder.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.