AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
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My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Spa day..😅
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do