Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.