Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Every work call, he judges.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”