The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.