your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”