Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]