4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
A small tragedy.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.