I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
WTF IS THAT!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.