*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.