My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Bond. Trauma bond.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.