I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
reviewed some movies recently
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on