funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.