crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*puts my mental health in rice
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Why is everyone getting married at me
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink