Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
no regrets
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
A family that plays together cheats.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….