DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
584.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.