I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother