Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.