*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
You Might Also Like
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack