I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.