Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
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me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Sending in my taxes
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Alexa, make out with the Roomba