What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
You Might Also Like
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.