I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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pelicons
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
oh u like geography? name every lake
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry