Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.