So fluffy! 馃槏 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
If you鈥檙e going to cook a hamster, don鈥檛 you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: I鈥檓 a mature adult
Also me:
[months from now]
CDC: aight it鈥檚 safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.