God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz