Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Pretty much. 🤣
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just a bush.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.