Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
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us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“you recording!?”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.