Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
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Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Running from your problems is cardio .
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊