11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.