There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?