Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again