shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(