My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
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Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.