When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.