Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.