Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
won’t smith
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.