HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
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Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
*frowns in Scottish*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Wake me when AI does housework
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.