Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
wtf management?!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.