I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.