I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.