When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.