*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
this could fix me
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.