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“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw