[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare